understanding

sometimes, i find myself trying to understand people or certain situations that perhaps, i will NEVER understand. and i have to admit this is extremely trying. i dont understand why certain people behave in such a manner that causes pain or hurt to someone else. i mean, knowingly do it. it's one thing if you hurt someone and you dont intend to. i mean, people do that everyday. but it boggles my mind how people can do something to another person that they KNOW hurts that individual without any regard for that person. ugh!!!

absence

apologies for my lack of blogging. i've been extremely busy. it's CHRISTmas! i've been shopping and celebrating and doing all sorts of cheerful stuff..lol. i've also been really busy @ work..but eh..that's the norm these days. i had a wonderful weekend. my girls and i did our gift exchange last night and that was a huge success. we rarely have the opportunity to get together as a group. someone is always missing but last night it was all five of us and we had a great time. on another note, God has been so good to me this past week it's amazing! i've been put to the test financially, emotionally and physically. my faith in the Lord has allowed me to not be fearful, to not be upset. i can accept anything that is brought in my direction because i know that it is God's will. i was just telling my mother that this time two years ago was the worst time of my life. so much was going on and i had no control over my own life. i remember new years of 2006. i rang it in at church. well, at this time i wasn't a born again christian. i was simply attending the service because my boyfriends family was going. but i felt good about being there. i felt good about starting my year off at church. i just knew the Lord was going to bless me because unlike my friends who were out partying, drinking, having a grand ol' time, i was at church. little did i know the I was at church because the Lord wanted me to get ready for the rocky road i had ahead of me. he gave me a dose of penicillin because he knew that year ahead of me was not gonna be nice. i had everything taken away from me, my home, my parents, my car, the life that i had known was gone! not once did i call on the Lord, not once did i go to church, not once did i think to myself...wow..this would be a whole lot easier if you opened your heart and let the Lord in. instead i fought my battles by myself. another year passed and 2007 was here. again, it wasn't a great year for me. it started of pretty bad. i had so much turmoil around me, at work, at home with friends, with family it was horrible. about 6 months ago i became a born again christian. it became quite evident that i needed the Lord in my life. it became quite evident to me that i cannot live my life alone. i need Jesus to walk beside me, to carry me and guide me because i am truly lost without him and his word. So this shall be the year for me 2008 baby! because this time i have the Lord in my life. The penicillin that he gave me 2 years ago is no longer needed. i'm well, i'm cured. he's a constant in my life. i know that without him nothing is possible but through him and with him ALL is possible. So you better believe i will be starting this year off right. 6 months as a born again christian and already so much change, so much goodness has come into my life! it is truly unbelievable but the change is evident. everyone around me can see. i know that others (like my boyfriend) who just need a lil' pushing will come to the Lord because the change they see in me. not that i was a bad person before. of course not. i just appreciate everything so much more. it's truly a beautiful thing. i thank my pastors Mel & Desiree Ayres and my church staff. they have impacted my life so much without even knowing. it is truly an amazing thing!!! on that note....i must go. i have much to do and not much time. i need to go to the mall and do some shopping. i'm almost done! i just have mom, dad, and my boyfriends parents left and then i'm done yay!

omaha mall shooting.

such a sad and unfortunate event. it really blows my mind how someone so young, with so much life to look forward to can resort to this level of violence. killing himself and innocent victims because of his own personal demons. it's very scary how these sick events have now become part of our daily lives. of course, each time it hurts but am i wrong in saying that we as a nation, as a society, as people have grown more and more accustomed to these types of tragedies? can you imagine the grief of the family members of these innocent shoppers and employees? how can one persons anguish & depression lead to anothers death? i am sure all of these innocent victims are in a much better place. but i'm sure not one of them woke up yesterday morning with the thought that december 5th would be their last day. this really leads me to think back to the wonderful sermon my pastor delivered this past sunday. Jesus is coming back for us and we should live each day as though it is the day of his return. we do not have time to prepare ourselves for his return, to "fix" ourselves before his return. we should be living each and every day as the day of his return. you never know what will happen. you never know what each day has in store for you. be joyous as though you know your Lord and Savior will be returning TODAY. Be prayerful and believe that the almighty king will be here TODAY. I thank you Jesus for waking me up this day, thank you Jesus for allowing me to be able to nourish my body, thank you Jesus for the clothes on my back, for the car that drove me to work, for the job that i have. for the ability to SEE, to HEAR, to BREATHE. you are alive. you have your hand in everything around me and i know this. you are an awesome God, you are an amazing God. and i love you. God Bless you and yours. God Bless the victims of the omaha mall shooting. may we thank the Lord for another day :)

t r u s t

this by far is my issue. trust. i cannot trust anyone! more importantly my boyfriend. it's sad, so sad. my insecurities cause me to feel that everyone is always lying to me and i have no clue why. i've recently started to pray on this situation with hopes that i can be healed of this untrustworthiness (is that even a word?!). it stifles me in all that i do and causes me to be someone i don't want to be. a snooper, an accuser basically an un-Godly person. i start arguments and make myself upset over my thoughts. i try to think back on my childhood and think of events or situations that may have taken place that could possibly have lead to me becoming this way but i draw a blank. maybe i think men just cheat. maybe seeing my step-father cheat on my mother or my father cheat on my step-mother subconsciously made me believe that is the norm. when in actuality, that's the furthest from the truth. i just want to be happy. how do i let go and put my trust in the Lord and know that i'm not supposed to know everything?! how do i trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen and regardless to what i think or believe i will in no way have the ability to change it or make it better or prevent it from happening. i need to have more faith in the Lord, more faith in my friends and more faith in my boyfriend. i need to be secure with myself. i need to trust myself and then maybe i can learn to trust others.

oh happy day

soooo, today i'm a tad bit sleepy. haven't actually caught up on my sleep. like i said in my previous post i've been sooo busy..geesh! but today, i'm forcing myself to shake off the grumpiness and smile! i have so much to be happy for. i'm extremely blessed and i'm very thankful. so today will be a happy day. i will be pleasant. i will smile.

2 Timothy 2:22 "flee also youthful lusts, but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart".

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family.

as i get older i continue to see just how important family is. i now realize that family should be the most important aspect of ones life. well it isn't in mine. i mean, from the time i was born my family was havoc. bottom line. there is no need to sugar coat it. i've never had a family. i've never known what family was, what families do and what family love is. i never had a grandma. i don't know my fathers mother, she lives out of the country so i've met her twice..that's about it. my moms mother has issues with my mom that caused her to be impartial to my sisters, my brother and myself. so and so doesn't talk to so and so and so the drama began and will never end. the most unfortunate part of it all is family is the one thing that you can't replace. i can't just buy a new family. lucky for me i've been accepted into another family. a family that cries together, laughs together, struggles together, succeeds together and most importantly STICKS together. i've come to see just how beautiful family is. how amazing it is to feel connected with people who no matter what, you know they will forever be a part of your life. one would think that the fact that i don't have a "real" family would sadden me but, it doesn't. it pushes me to look forward to having my own family one day. the absence of my family is my motivation to teach my children that family is by far the most important thing in life (after Jesus of course). i anticipate the joys of raising my own family. i look forward to building my own family tree. all things happen for a reason, this i know. Jesus is my family and through him i remain strong. through him i learn. through him i grow. it is he who instills in me principles that my absent family did not or could not. it is he that has blessed me with the ability to see firsthand what it is that is so very important in life. so, i guess you could say my spiritual family (Jesus and myself) will not let this "missing" family break me, instead it'll save me. save me from taking the most precious thing in life for granted....f a m i l y.