i'm in love again...

hahaa. I'm kiddin...sorta. Love is the last thing i need after all this. But, I am totally lovin' Coca Cola Zero. How long has this stuff been around? why hasn't anyone informed me? it's so yummy. I try very hard not to drink soda but, some days ya just need a coke. Today was one of those days. I walked into the kitchen here @ work and opened up the fridge and went to grab for a Diet Coke and then I saw the Coke Zero and the cute can. After the first sip I was hooked. Calorie and Carb free soda that tastes just like regular coke? mmmm...so good. This is my new Fave.

on another note, the LAKERS are playing tonight. I'm very much looking forward to going home, throwing on my favorite sweats & a v-neck, hopping in the bed and watching the game. No Los Torro's for me tonight. I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping well. Looking foward to the weekend. We had a screening of Sex And The City here at work last night but by the time my bestie and I made our way to the theatre it was already full. So, I'll be seeing it tomorrow night @ 11:45pm. Can't wait. Hope you all are doing well. Thank you for all the well wishes. Believe it or not, it means a lot.

xoxoxo

faith

So, this weekend hasn't been as tough as I initially thought it would be. Thursday night I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. We've broken up before but this time, it just feels like it's really over and yes, I'm sad. Very sad. Like I said in my previous post; I almost feel relieved. You see, we're different people. Extremely different people. Our love languages are completely different. I'm a "say-er" I say what I feel and I'm very passionate about words and expressing your love with words and telling your partner just how much you care for them, love them, how much they mean to you etc. He's a "do-er". He thinks if he "does" this or if he "does" that, he is expressing his love, commitment, caring, etc. Don't get me wrong; doing is great. Some people would love to be with a do-er. I, on the other hand need more. I've been trying to deal with it, I've accepted the fact that we are two different people who are essentially striving to make 1 relationship work and I've tried very hard to take a step back and look at our relationship and my actions and attitude from a different perspective. I've even taken the initiative to change certain things about myself with hopes that maybe it will improve the relationship. On Thursday night, I found out that he lied to me. I will admit, it wasn't a huge nasty lie, he wasn't unfaithful or anything like that but he lied to me about something. I didn't find out from him. I found out through a mutual friend and I think the Lord wanted me to find out that way. I think he wanted to show me that maybe those feelings that I've ignored no longer should be ignored. Maybe me changing myself would NEVER change him or the relationship. I don't lie to him. I would never lie to him and big or small, a lie is a lie. Some of my girlfriends think that I'm overreacting a tad bit but I think if a person lies about something so insignificant; the chances of them lying about something important are greater. Trust is everything and what little trust I had was thrown out the window because of that one lie. Throughout this "rough patch" in our relationship, I've thought time and time again about breaking up but, I was scared. I didn't want to do it, didn't want to accept the fact that I had failed at making the relationship work and more importantly I wasn't (and I'm still not) ready to start a life that doesn't involve L. I didn't wanna say goodbye to him, to his family and to US. Throughout this entire relationship I have not walked by faith; instead I have always walked by sight. Don't get me wrong, I've always prayed to the Lord about our relationship. I've prayed that L will accept Christ into his life. I've prayed that the Lord would turn him into the man I wanted him to be because I truly thought he was my best friend. I loved spending time with him and laughing and joking with him. I loved talking about our future and envisioning our life together but, the closer I became with the Lord the more our relationship suffered. Last week I decided to stop. Stop trying to make it work. Stop trying to fix everything. I decided to have faith in Him and his doings. 4 days later, we broke up.

What good is faith if you walk by sight? I have all the faith in the Lord but still, I try to fix things totally beyond my control. I fear a situation that I ultimately have no control over. I didn't want to give my relationship and all it's woes to God because I knew His plan for it may not be the same as my plan for it...or what I hoped it would be and so, my relationship remained the same; until I gave it to God. I do have faith in the Lord. I know that he is an awesome God and that he loves me more than I could ever imagine. However, having faith in Him in terms of my relationship with L meant that I could no longer be afraid of letting go. Today during our IHP service, Pastor Aury explained that having faith and being put through trying circumstances/relationships/experiences/tests is similar to going to school. Before you are promoted to a higher level, you must take a test. You take this test to see what you know, what you don't know, what you're prepared for etc. God puts you through these life circumstances/relationships/experiences/tests not to hurt you or bring you down or to lessen your faith in Him. This is His way of showing me, what I was prepared for, what I wasn't prepared for. What I was good at in this relationship, where I needed improvement, what I like in mate, what I don't like, what I need in my future mate etc.

In order for me to close this chapter in my life and move forward, I needed to have faith in Him. I needed to surrender this relationship to him. It will hurt and some days will be harder than others. Sometimes I'll regret this decision. Sometimes I'll cry out to him and ask why it hurts so bad. Some days I won't remember the bad things, I'll just remember the good things. But, my faith in the Lord allows me to see that I'm actually being promoted. I will have my first heartbreak under my belt and I'll move on to the next chapter of life.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight"2 Corinthians 5:7

sad

last night was a tough night and I'm pretty sad. I'm sure today will be tough for me. I hate being lied to, I hate being deceived. I think that when someone attempts to lie to you or deceive you they are ultimately insulting your intelligence or implying that you're not worthy of the truth. I don't believe that crap about "not wanting to hurt your feelings". I do love the fact that He always manages to let us know exactly what we NEED to know. We may not know everything and we may not know what we WANT to know but, I'm slowly learning that His wants for me far exceed my wants for myself. This situation has been an ongoing struggle for me. I've learned a lot about myself. A lot of negative things about myself and some positives. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be but I think as my relationship with Him continues to grow I will grow too. I'm optimistic and hoping for the best. My heart hurts now and really there is nothing that I can do to make it go away but In a sense I feel sorta relieved. I feel that He has shown me something I knew all along. At the same time, He is reassuring me that I will be okay. I hope you all have a great long weekend. I will be relaxing and reading my bible that's ALL i need right now :)

hmmm

3 posts in one day is a bit much but, please tell me what is wrong with the world. Usher is on Dancing With The Stars. like right now as we speak. ummm...no. let's not do that. that's kinda sell-outish to me mannnnnn.

if you don't dream BIG, you'll never be BIG

"Robert Lopatin thought it was too late. As a boy, he had dreamed of becoming a doctor. But when he went to college, he gave up the idea. Instead, he went into the family business of manufacturing women's clothing. He stayed there for twenty-seven years! Then he and his father sold their business. If he wished, he could retire.But then, at a friend's wedding, he sat next to a young man who had just finished medical school. Chatting with the new doctor made him think about his boyhood dream. And at age fifty-one, Robert Lopatin decided to become a doctor.Today he is fifty-five. He graduated from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine and is currently serving his residency at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, New York. And he's loving it- even the one-hundred hour workweeks and the graveyard shifts."I feel like I died and was born again," he says.You may have a dream in your heart that you think is too old to pursue. Another person may have told you that it's too late to do what you desire. But it's not. Writer Joseph Conrad published his first novel at age forty. Robert Lopatin will be in his late fifties when he begins to practice medicine as a full-fledged doctor. Artist Grandma Moses started painting when she was seventy-five years old- and she still had a twenty-six-year career.Pursue your dream, no matter how far fetched it may seem."-John C. Maxwell

randomness

This will probably be a very random post as I have lots to share. As i mentioned in an earlier post, this week was our Women's Conference @ Church and let me tell you, it was nothing short of amazing. Back in January Cherly Salem visited our church and shared her wonderfully amazing testimony with us. She had an aura about her that touched me deeply. Hearing her speak, hearing her tell of the unbelievable circumstances she had overcome touched me in a way that I had never been touched before (in terms of spirituality). After hearing her speak for the first time I, along with all my girlfriends and a number of other women who had heard her for the first time; confessed our undying love for Cheryl. Well, this lovely lady was back on Friday and you better believe..there I was...front row, notebook in one hand, bible in the other and my "good" pen in my purse. I was ready for her to deliver and boy, did that woman deliver. She was on FIRE. She could not be stopped and she was ready. Our church was packed, women were outside waiting to get in but there weren't even enough seats to accommodate everyone. Chery's sermon was deep. It was inspiring. It was touching. It was motivating. It was POWERFUL.
I learned far more than I expected and left with a spiritually fulfilling that I've never felt before. I am so grateful for the opportunity of being in this woman's presence. I am grateful for her teachings. I am grateful for my church.

So, after the wonderful conference, I made the trek to Santa Clarita to spend the night with my five year old sister who's just too cute for words. Although we haven't lived together for almost 3 years we're still extremely close and I'm still her big "sissy" who she loves more than anything. Friday night my dad made some yummy carne asada so we grubbed and watched the basketball game. After dinner I bathed my sister and by that time I was pooped. She on the other hand wanted nothing more but to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks for the 500th time. It was probably 10pm by this time so i thought sure, it'll put her to sleep. Well, it put ME to sleep and i was awoken by her lil voice a lil after midnight telling me to turn off the DVD player. We woke up the next morning for her 9:45am gymnastics class. Who in the world schedules anything before noon on a Saturday? I solemnly swear to never ever make my future children attend any extra curricular activity before noon on a Saturday. I just wont. It's uncalled for.

I can't really remember the day after gymnastics. All i know is that it consisted of pizza, chocolate ice-cream, Mike & Ike's a trip to Wal-Mart, which is my sisters favorite store (weird, i know), the park and chuck e cheese. phew. It's tough entertaining a five year old. Then again, I think she's pretty smart and she makes me feel like she has to be doing something fun every waking minute. Can you believe this girl never took a nap?! my dad picked her up @9:30 and she hadn't slept a wink. I on the other hand, crawled straight to the shower and then forced myself to fall into bed. I was beat. Kids are tough. They definitely wear you out. You need some type of bootcamp training to be able to keep up.

Yesterday, i got locked out (yea...don't want to talk about that) thus, I missed Cheryl's 2nd sermon. I was devastated but, I understood that I couldn't go to church in my robe. Instead, I waited for the locksmith to charge me $85 to wiggle a stick in my keyhole. so yea, that was my weekend. It was pretty chill.

Sidenote: I'm absolutely devastated that the Hornets couldn't beat the Spurs. I kinda have this thing for Chris Paul ( i l-o-v-e him) and I so wanted the Hornets to go up against the Lakers but whatev, we'll have to blow out duncan & parker...whomp whomp.

hey girl hey

<-------edit* Here's a pic of said cake. still has NOTHING on my cake

haha! sooo, this weekend was super funny. of course, it was my girl CC's bday so we had to celebrate here in LA since the Miami plans failed. Per CC's request we had dinner @ ketchup (lobster mac n cheese is too good). After dinner we headed to Opera. Now, i'm not really the type that likes to go to a club without table/bottle service (yes, i am a tad bit spoiled and yes my b-day party made this far worse) but since it was just us girls we didn't get a table. i immediately thought the nite was going to be whack but we turned out having a really good time..just us girls..no boys and no booze (for me and J at least). i met a lot of cool people and the DJ was def workin his jelly. so this chic that CC and J work with ended up getting so drunk (off of 4 drinks) that as soon as we leave Opera and get in the car, she starts throwing up on CC's beautiful cake. not only is she throwin up on the cake but IN THE CAR. I start gaggin because come on..that's just nasty. So i'm gaggin and this chic is throwing up and J starts throwing up too (mind you, she had not one drink, she was just disgusted by the throw up and my gagging). The girl is obviously too drunk to drive so we go back to Ketchup to get her car and CC offers to drive her home. J and I clean up the mess a lil' and head home. We take Laurel Canyon home and we're in the valley within 20 mins. CC takes the Freeway and is stuck at Hollywood and Highland for about 30 mins BEFORE she even gets on the Freeway. J takes me to my car, I go home. The next morning they fill me in on ALL the gossip. This chis was so drunk she forgot where she lived..now really i know that's sad but at the same time it's freakin hilarious. they drove around calabasas for 2 hours (and got pulled over) looking for her house..wow! Don't ever get that drunk. How do you even get that drunk? I've def had my drunken moments but forgetting where you live takes the cake. for sure.

Anywho, Sunday was spent with my Mom's Duece (my bf's mother). I love her tooooo much. We had breakfast and went to his Grandma's house and of course everyone cooked and we watched movies, the basketball game and took about 3 naps throughout the day....lol. I ended up texting my Mother and the sad part is...i didn't feel bad. Although, I know I should. It just amazes me that I've known my bf's family for a little less than 3 years and they do so much for me. Not that doing things for someone matters but they just have such a profound love for family which is something i've never known. I've never experienced it and at first it was super weird to me but now I couldn't imagine my life without it. I think that's why I'm so anxious to have a family of my own. Well, lemme rephrase that. I'm anxious...but def. don't want children now. I just look forward to it so much.

(*Subject Change*)

My LAKERS are playing tonite woot woot!! But, the Women's Conference at my church starts tonite therefore, i will be unable to watch but my absence at Los Toros is def. for a good cause. Cheryl Salem, who has spoken at my church before is part of this years line-up. She is an amazing speaker, her testimony is amazing and she ministered to me from the first word she spoke to the very last. I get chills just thinking of her and her beautiful spirit. Of course since the Women's Conference starts today and ends on Saturday they have not released who will be speaking on what day (what a sneaky lil' church huh) so, i'm looking forward to hearing her but since she's a favorite at our church i doubt they'll start it off with her..but you never know.

Phew, so there is my weekend wrap-up. although things aren't perfect right now (i'm seriously regretting quitting my previous job, only because of this pay decrease..ugh) i'm at peace. i know that things will always work out in the end. i'm blessed and surrounded by so many people who love me despite all of my flaws and for that, i'm so very, very thankful. xo

1-800-FLOWERS

umm yea, i'm kinda irritated with them right now. every time i check my gmail i have some stupid email from them about the great Mother's Day Arrangements for $69.99. right now i realllllly don't feel like seeing that. For Mother's Day i've decided i will text message my mother. After all, that's how she wished me Happy Birthday. So really, when i see these emails i get sick to my stomach. You see, i'd unsubscribe to these emails but, i like to send flowers. I think they're great and i love receiving them unexpectedly so i like sending them unexpectedly and these emails contain the best coupons so yea... i need them. come to think of it, it was my mother i last sent flowers to--for her birthday in September. But this year, i will not be one of those people running through the mall at the last minute expecting to find the the perfect Mother's Day gift. I won't be buying a Mother's Day gift. Nope. I'm actually debating buying her a card. This is horrible i know. but hey, the truth hurts. Anywho, i wont be checking my email until Monday...the day AFTER Mother's Day.

today

God's spirit, who is in you, is greater than the devil, who is in the world. 1 John 4:4.

sometimes i really feel like the devils attempt at attacking me will be successful. sometimes it's hard for me to remember to stop and pray and understand that His works are beyond my imagination. i panic. i get scared. i cry. i do all this and ask the Lord "why? why are you doing this? why can't you make it stop?". I'm uspet and I don't understand. Although i pretend to be strong and in control of EVERY situation, I'M NOT. i'm sensitive, i'm a crybaby, my feelings are hurt easily and oftentimes i'm constantly doubting myself and thinking i'm never good enough. i don't want to be that kind of person. I wanna be confident in ALL that I do and i want to be okay by myself. I want to know that no one person can validate me. I need to learn that one person cannot dictate my happiness. How do you change something/someone so set in their ways? how do i begin to mold myself into the person that I WANT (need) to be after i've been this way for 23 freakin' years? It's tough. I don't think I spend enough time praying. I wish I'd spend half the time I spend fretting over people and things that really don't matter, to fix this, to pray, to read self-help books and just get to know and love myself better. God's spirit (which is definitely in me) is greater than the Devil. God's spirit should be so prevalent in me that these problems i'm facing should be non-existent right? WRONG. We all have issues/problems. God's spirit should be so prevalent within me that I KNOW and REALIZE his love is the most beautiful love. It is the greatest love and perhaps right now it is His love and only his love that I should be seeking. I should be seeking his validation as HE is the only person I belong to.

Have a blessed day! Jesus loves you. More than you will ever know, more than you can ever imagine. Think of the person you love the most and multiply that amount infinitely. That is true love.

scary

wow, this video left me in utter disbelief and it is my hope that it is fake. however; i'd venture to say that there is a possibility that this isn't fake. i think it's very beneficial for young ladies to take a look at this; especially young African American women seeing as how AIDS is affecting the black community at a disgustingly alarming rate. how did we get here and is there a way to fix this? i honestly think the answer is NO. for whatever reason, i cannot post the video directly on my blog so check it out here.

MVP baybee

after 12 seasons the man has done it! M V P. Kobe Bryant has been named the NBA's most valuable player and if you ask me, it's well deserved. I don't care what anyone says about this man. He's a great ball player.period. congrats kobe. let's win the championships so you can add to that ring collection of yours!

sleeping

i've found that sleeping (not in a sexual way but literally, sleeping)with someone you love is a beautiful thing. laying next to them and listening to the rhythm of their breath is beautiful.

last night i slept with someone i love. i slept with them and woke up in the middle of the night to just listen to this person breathe and feel their breath against my arm. there, at 4am i realized just how much i love this person. just how much i would do for this person to see, to realize, to fathom that amount of love.

tonight i'm in my bed. all alone. i will admit, sleeping by yourself kinda sux. i guess having a permanent sleeping partner is a perk of marriage.