faith

So, this weekend hasn't been as tough as I initially thought it would be. Thursday night I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. We've broken up before but this time, it just feels like it's really over and yes, I'm sad. Very sad. Like I said in my previous post; I almost feel relieved. You see, we're different people. Extremely different people. Our love languages are completely different. I'm a "say-er" I say what I feel and I'm very passionate about words and expressing your love with words and telling your partner just how much you care for them, love them, how much they mean to you etc. He's a "do-er". He thinks if he "does" this or if he "does" that, he is expressing his love, commitment, caring, etc. Don't get me wrong; doing is great. Some people would love to be with a do-er. I, on the other hand need more. I've been trying to deal with it, I've accepted the fact that we are two different people who are essentially striving to make 1 relationship work and I've tried very hard to take a step back and look at our relationship and my actions and attitude from a different perspective. I've even taken the initiative to change certain things about myself with hopes that maybe it will improve the relationship. On Thursday night, I found out that he lied to me. I will admit, it wasn't a huge nasty lie, he wasn't unfaithful or anything like that but he lied to me about something. I didn't find out from him. I found out through a mutual friend and I think the Lord wanted me to find out that way. I think he wanted to show me that maybe those feelings that I've ignored no longer should be ignored. Maybe me changing myself would NEVER change him or the relationship. I don't lie to him. I would never lie to him and big or small, a lie is a lie. Some of my girlfriends think that I'm overreacting a tad bit but I think if a person lies about something so insignificant; the chances of them lying about something important are greater. Trust is everything and what little trust I had was thrown out the window because of that one lie. Throughout this "rough patch" in our relationship, I've thought time and time again about breaking up but, I was scared. I didn't want to do it, didn't want to accept the fact that I had failed at making the relationship work and more importantly I wasn't (and I'm still not) ready to start a life that doesn't involve L. I didn't wanna say goodbye to him, to his family and to US. Throughout this entire relationship I have not walked by faith; instead I have always walked by sight. Don't get me wrong, I've always prayed to the Lord about our relationship. I've prayed that L will accept Christ into his life. I've prayed that the Lord would turn him into the man I wanted him to be because I truly thought he was my best friend. I loved spending time with him and laughing and joking with him. I loved talking about our future and envisioning our life together but, the closer I became with the Lord the more our relationship suffered. Last week I decided to stop. Stop trying to make it work. Stop trying to fix everything. I decided to have faith in Him and his doings. 4 days later, we broke up.

What good is faith if you walk by sight? I have all the faith in the Lord but still, I try to fix things totally beyond my control. I fear a situation that I ultimately have no control over. I didn't want to give my relationship and all it's woes to God because I knew His plan for it may not be the same as my plan for it...or what I hoped it would be and so, my relationship remained the same; until I gave it to God. I do have faith in the Lord. I know that he is an awesome God and that he loves me more than I could ever imagine. However, having faith in Him in terms of my relationship with L meant that I could no longer be afraid of letting go. Today during our IHP service, Pastor Aury explained that having faith and being put through trying circumstances/relationships/experiences/tests is similar to going to school. Before you are promoted to a higher level, you must take a test. You take this test to see what you know, what you don't know, what you're prepared for etc. God puts you through these life circumstances/relationships/experiences/tests not to hurt you or bring you down or to lessen your faith in Him. This is His way of showing me, what I was prepared for, what I wasn't prepared for. What I was good at in this relationship, where I needed improvement, what I like in mate, what I don't like, what I need in my future mate etc.

In order for me to close this chapter in my life and move forward, I needed to have faith in Him. I needed to surrender this relationship to him. It will hurt and some days will be harder than others. Sometimes I'll regret this decision. Sometimes I'll cry out to him and ask why it hurts so bad. Some days I won't remember the bad things, I'll just remember the good things. But, my faith in the Lord allows me to see that I'm actually being promoted. I will have my first heartbreak under my belt and I'll move on to the next chapter of life.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight"2 Corinthians 5:7