today

God's spirit, who is in you, is greater than the devil, who is in the world. 1 John 4:4.

sometimes i really feel like the devils attempt at attacking me will be successful. sometimes it's hard for me to remember to stop and pray and understand that His works are beyond my imagination. i panic. i get scared. i cry. i do all this and ask the Lord "why? why are you doing this? why can't you make it stop?". I'm uspet and I don't understand. Although i pretend to be strong and in control of EVERY situation, I'M NOT. i'm sensitive, i'm a crybaby, my feelings are hurt easily and oftentimes i'm constantly doubting myself and thinking i'm never good enough. i don't want to be that kind of person. I wanna be confident in ALL that I do and i want to be okay by myself. I want to know that no one person can validate me. I need to learn that one person cannot dictate my happiness. How do you change something/someone so set in their ways? how do i begin to mold myself into the person that I WANT (need) to be after i've been this way for 23 freakin' years? It's tough. I don't think I spend enough time praying. I wish I'd spend half the time I spend fretting over people and things that really don't matter, to fix this, to pray, to read self-help books and just get to know and love myself better. God's spirit (which is definitely in me) is greater than the Devil. God's spirit should be so prevalent in me that these problems i'm facing should be non-existent right? WRONG. We all have issues/problems. God's spirit should be so prevalent within me that I KNOW and REALIZE his love is the most beautiful love. It is the greatest love and perhaps right now it is His love and only his love that I should be seeking. I should be seeking his validation as HE is the only person I belong to.

Have a blessed day! Jesus loves you. More than you will ever know, more than you can ever imagine. Think of the person you love the most and multiply that amount infinitely. That is true love.

scary

wow, this video left me in utter disbelief and it is my hope that it is fake. however; i'd venture to say that there is a possibility that this isn't fake. i think it's very beneficial for young ladies to take a look at this; especially young African American women seeing as how AIDS is affecting the black community at a disgustingly alarming rate. how did we get here and is there a way to fix this? i honestly think the answer is NO. for whatever reason, i cannot post the video directly on my blog so check it out here.

MVP baybee

after 12 seasons the man has done it! M V P. Kobe Bryant has been named the NBA's most valuable player and if you ask me, it's well deserved. I don't care what anyone says about this man. He's a great ball player.period. congrats kobe. let's win the championships so you can add to that ring collection of yours!

sleeping

i've found that sleeping (not in a sexual way but literally, sleeping)with someone you love is a beautiful thing. laying next to them and listening to the rhythm of their breath is beautiful.

last night i slept with someone i love. i slept with them and woke up in the middle of the night to just listen to this person breathe and feel their breath against my arm. there, at 4am i realized just how much i love this person. just how much i would do for this person to see, to realize, to fathom that amount of love.

tonight i'm in my bed. all alone. i will admit, sleeping by yourself kinda sux. i guess having a permanent sleeping partner is a perk of marriage.

floetry

always reminds me of BDS. tear. i guess i miss him sometimes.

i'm pondering

so, i have soo much on my mind, it's really ridiculous. i have a question, is it true what they say, "birds of a feather flock together" or however the saying goes. is that really true? i mean, in a sense i think it is but, then i find myself thinking it's not so true. i, for instance have friends who do certain things that i don't agree with and would NEVER do. i mean, we're the same in other aspects but in some ways we're completely opposites. so, i found out some really disturbing information about my bf's friend who has just started dating one of my REALLY close friends. i mean..i talk to her on a the daily. we email all day and talk on the phone at least 3 times a day. she's like a sister. well, she's dating my bf's friend and my bf just told me that this guy actually LIVES with another girl and the only reason he's talking/dating my friend is because he MIGHT break up with the girl he's living with. what type of crap is that? omgosh. i was so mad when he told me this, for a couple of reasons a) it makes me think that my bf is just as shady seeing as he's fairly close with this guy b) it obviously didn't bother my bf because he proceeded to allow me to hook my friend up with his friend and c) it sux all the way around and i would NEVER let one of his friends get played by one of my friends like that..NEVER. my bf told me that his friend (let's call him C) just moved in with the girl about 3 weeks ago and the funny part about that is he told my friend (let's call her J) that he was moving, but he forgot to mention the fact that he was moving with a girl..instead he said he was moving with his mom sooooo yea. and J is always telling me that he NEVER answers her calls. he'll answer her text messages but never her calls. this whole situation just infuriates me. i dunno why but it almost makes me wanna just stop talking to my bf cause i'm so disturbed by all this..lol. not to mention we're having issues of our own and after being with someone for 2 almost 3 years i really think it should be more about enjoying being with this person and this person adding to the quality of your life. i'm so over arguing, and feeling insecure and questioning his motives/actions/words. i mean..is marriage like this? is it really something you have to put that much work into? i always think that when you're with "the one" it won't really be this difficult. you'll make it work together and it won't seem like a team effort..it'll just mesh and work itself out. maybe i'm naive though..i dunno. i guess i'm so young that the some of the things i liked or would tolerate 2 years ago...really just aren't acceptable anymore and i'd like to see more growth in a relationship rather than a stagnant relationship were only one person is really, truly happy. ugh. relationships just suck. i've never really been single and i think that's part of the problem. i was with my very first bf from the age of 16 until i was 20 and before we were completely done i had already started catching feelings for my current. so, in all honesty, maybe that's the issue. i don't even know who i am outside of a relationship. this is all no bueno. i gotta figure it out but believe me, it's way easier said than done. okay..now that i'm done with that tangent..what should i do? should i tell my friend? i mean, really they're adults and to be quite honest they're moving wayyy too fast but, i just feel guilty. i want to just tell her stop talking to him without an explanation but that's not gonna work. and i'm a girl, i know how it is, even if she swears on the moon and the stars she won't tell him, she will and psh, i cannot blame her cause believe me i would too. but, i just know if i open my mouth there will be major issues between my bf and i because, essentially he violated his friends trust by telling me. what makes me even more mad is the fact that i LIKED this friend. i thought he was a good guy and told my friend about him wayyy before my party in hopes that she'd like him and now look.

on another note, i'm probably gonna go see baby mama tonight with J..lol. that's the one thing i'm looking forward to because this week has been rough and it's only wednesday. but, it's funny because earlier this week i was so stressed, really worried about a certain situation and finally had to tell myself that it's in God's hands and it'll work out the way HE wants it to. It may not necessarily be what i want to happen but it'll work out. I ended up relaxing and not stressing out about it and this morning i received an email that basically put everything in perspective. the situation not only worked out the way I wanted it to work out but obviously this was the Lord's plan too. He never, ever abandons me and it's so comforting to know that i can cast my fears, worries aside because no matter WHAT, it'll all be taken care of. now, let's see how He wants this C& J situation taken care of :)

i have a boo-boo.

so, on tuesday i had my wisdom teeth pulled and lemme tell you. this has been (by far) the worst pain i've ever experienced. i had my wisdom teeth and all of my first bicuspids (sp) removed because plain and simple i have too many teeth in my mouth. i seek perfection..always. and i want THEE perfect smile. so i will be wearing a retainer type thing for about a year in order to achieve that perfect smile but hey, i think it'll be worth it on the day of my wedding..lol. but anyways, back to my story. i am no longer interested in having children because if this is remotely close to child-bearing pain, psh..there is NO WAY i'll survive that. hahaha! just kiddin' but seriously, i would not recommend anyone yanking 8 teeth out of their mouth. today was my first day back and i'm poppin pain pills like candy but, it's the only way i can focus!! so i'm now blaming my lack of blogging on my terrible pain. so aside from all that i'll be moving to Northridge this weekend (womp womp) only for 6 months though and then my bestie will be all ready to move with me YAY! my new job is MUCH MUCH better. the Warner Bros lot is far more better than Fox. I mean it's like night and day. I have noticed that the security on this lot is a lot more strict (i was actually told to slow down while driving in the parking structure..lol). But, it's cool. I miss all my buddies but ehhh...that's what email/texting/aim and all that good stuff is for right? gotta go. boss is back. xoxoxo

michael moore

has a really cool post on his blog. check it out. pretty interesting if you ask me.

music

do you ever hear a song and it immediately takes you back to that period of time in your life? wow, i'm at work listening to music and i decided to youtube Death Cab For Cutie and the first song that popped up was Soul Meets Body. I started listening to it and it made my eyes well up with tears. it just took me back to the state of mind I was in when i used to listen to this song on a daily basis. It was such a horrible depressing time in my life but, at the same time it was NEW and FRESH and i learned so much. I am so blessed. I suppose I needed to hear this song. it's kinda as if the Lord was showing me how truly blessed I am, how far I've come. He was also showing me that the THING that's bad for me NOW, was bad for me THEN. let me rephrase that maybe this thing (aka person) isn't bad for me. maybe their just not meant for me. maybe as much as I want this person to be for me..it just wont happen and it'll never be right. That's a hard reality to accept. one that currently i dont think i'll be able to accept. I think this person will have to detach themselves from me in order for me to let go. sad, i know. but, that's how it is. i think it's starting.

dude

i know it's been wayyy to long and i do apologize. my party was amazing and i didn't get "bestie tattoo's" my best friend LIED to me because i was having a surprise birthday dinner. just to do a quick re-cap: friday was my bday dinner, saturday was my party, sunday i shopped and monday i had spa day @ burke williams with my bf. oh how i wish it was my birthday once a month.

this is my last week here @ work and really, it's bittersweet. i will no longer be working here at Fox, i'm now going to Warner Bros. and i'm not even excited. i'll explain more later. just wanted to say HI!