I've wanted to post these thoughts for a while now, I just don't know exactly how to write (or type) it all out so if it seems a tad bit all over the place or if you just don't understand it, I apologize.
Lately I've found myself struggling to just be me. There is part of me that wants to do everything the way I should. I want to be pleasant at all times, I want to learn how to ignore people that annoy me, I want to not have the urge to yell obscenities at the ridiculous drivers that populate the streets of LA every morning. I want to not flip my co-workers off under my desk when they annoy the crap out of me. I want to not have a bad attitude with my boyfriend for NO reason at all and I want to stop being so bothered by the behavior of some of my closest friends. I want to smile and say Good morning to every person I see in the morning on the way to the elevator. I wanna be able to trust everyone BUT, that's just not me.
I am very sarcastic. I often times say things I don't mean just because I'm upset. I hate losing an argument so I'll prolong any and every fight until I feel that I've won. I have a dirty mouth and I do try hard to censor it but sometimes (especially on the way to work) I will drop an F-bomb. I love all of my co-workers and they are all easy to work with but sometimes my natural reaction when being told what to do is to stick up my middle finger..even if it is under my desk. Even though my boyfriend doesn't always deserve the attitude he's a boy and I'm a girl, I have PMS once a month and he doesn't, I will one day birth children and he won't sooo, in my sick mind- he can deal with the minor attitude. I don't trust very many people and although I hate this, when someone does disappoint, I'm not as hurt as I would've been had I not expected it. My friends are my friends and I love them with all my heart but lately, I just feel like we may be drifting apart. Which is okay-it's sucks but it's okay. I'm not a morning person and I have to literally force myself to mutter a sentence if it's anytime before 9:00am.
Basically, that's me. Of course there is way more to me but those are the me's that I struggle with. Up until quite recently, I had never attempted to be a better person and although I'm very grateful that I have made the effort, sometimes I feel as though I'm putting up a front. Don't get me wrong, these are things I WANT to change, but am I taking away my personality by doing so? Is it no longer okay to be a brat some days because I'm a Christian? Am I going to hell because I called that lady who cut me off this morning a f*&$%#^ idiot? Am I a crappy friend because I'm totally at ease with walking away from certain friendships?
I'm in no way perfect, nor will I ever be. Being a Christian doesn't make me perfect nor will it ever. My religion does not define me at all but my relationship with Christ does. I shouldn't struggle to find "myself" or to be "me". The person I should struggle to be more like is Him. And trust me, it will be a struggle and just like any other challenge, I will have good days and I will have bad days -but I'm convinced that the more I struggle and the harder I try the easier it will become. Attempting to be more like Him will not help me find "myself"; I'm hoping that instead it will help me to become myself.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" - Proverbs 23:7
