ahhhh, life is crazy kids. you never know what you're going to to get, what you're going to face or how you're going to deal with it. this has seriously been one hell of a week. so much bullshit @ work. working 50 hours a week and taking three classes is kicking my butt. things with my boy are just...ugh right now. sometimes i think that I'm too high maintenance and i just need to be by myself for the next 10 years. I've found myself fighting tears on a daily basis for the past four days. i thought Starbucks would cheer me up this morning BUT, it didn't :( Anyways, enough ranting.

Last night I had dinner with my dad and younger sister Bria. She is seriously the most adorable kid ever. Prior to me getting there my dad told me that they had stopped at Macy's to pick up a pair of shoes for her. They were only there to buy SHOE'S, nothing else. Well, Ms. Bria decided that she had to have a new dress for Friday and she put on a quite a scene at Macy's. My dad went as far as threatening to spank her and she asked him if she could get the dress after her "spankin'"..lol.

Here's a snippet of our hilarious convo about the situation:

me: "Bria, i heard about what happened at Macy's"

Bria: rolls her eyes and looks at dad. "Did Daddy tell you?"

me: "Nope I have a friend who works at Macy's and she saw you crying and throwing a fit"

Bria: "All I wanted was the dress".

me: "yea, but didn't daddy buy you shoes?"

Bria: "yes, but daddy should buy me EVERYTHING i want to make me happy".

ummm yes, I'd have to agree with you on that one Bria.

Shortly after that conversation, I found her in my dad's bed sleeping like a baby. I guess temper tantrums wear you out :)

All About the 2 Me's

I've wanted to post these thoughts for a while now, I just don't know exactly how to write (or type) it all out so if it seems a tad bit all over the place or if you just don't understand it, I apologize.

Lately I've found myself struggling to just be me. There is part of me that wants to do everything the way I should. I want to be pleasant at all times, I want to learn how to ignore people that annoy me, I want to not have the urge to yell obscenities at the ridiculous drivers that populate the streets of LA every morning. I want to not flip my co-workers off under my desk when they annoy the crap out of me. I want to not have a bad attitude with my boyfriend for NO reason at all and I want to stop being so bothered by the behavior of some of my closest friends. I want to smile and say Good morning to every person I see in the morning on the way to the elevator. I wanna be able to trust everyone BUT, that's just not me.

I am very sarcastic. I often times say things I don't mean just because I'm upset. I hate losing an argument so I'll prolong any and every fight until I feel that I've won. I have a dirty mouth and I do try hard to censor it but sometimes (especially on the way to work) I will drop an F-bomb. I love all of my co-workers and they are all easy to work with but sometimes my natural reaction when being told what to do is to stick up my middle finger..even if it is under my desk. Even though my boyfriend doesn't always deserve the attitude he's a boy and I'm a girl, I have PMS once a month and he doesn't, I will one day birth children and he won't sooo, in my sick mind- he can deal with the minor attitude. I don't trust very many people and although I hate this, when someone does disappoint, I'm not as hurt as I would've been had I not expected it. My friends are my friends and I love them with all my heart but lately, I just feel like we may be drifting apart. Which is okay-it's sucks but it's okay. I'm not a morning person and I have to literally force myself to mutter a sentence if it's anytime before 9:00am.

Basically, that's me. Of course there is way more to me but those are the me's that I struggle with. Up until quite recently, I had never attempted to be a better person and although I'm very grateful that I have made the effort, sometimes I feel as though I'm putting up a front. Don't get me wrong, these are things I WANT to change, but am I taking away my personality by doing so? Is it no longer okay to be a brat some days because I'm a Christian? Am I going to hell because I called that lady who cut me off this morning a f*&$%#^ idiot? Am I a crappy friend because I'm totally at ease with walking away from certain friendships?

I'm in no way perfect, nor will I ever be. Being a Christian doesn't make me perfect nor will it ever. My religion does not define me at all but my relationship with Christ does. I shouldn't struggle to find "myself" or to be "me". The person I should struggle to be more like is Him. And trust me, it will be a struggle and just like any other challenge, I will have good days and I will have bad days -but I'm convinced that the more I struggle and the harder I try the easier it will become. Attempting to be more like Him will not help me find "myself"; I'm hoping that instead it will help me to become myself.

"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" - Proverbs 23:7

All about Dark Knight business

hahaha, so my box office predictions weren't that off. it was indeed a great movie and i am totally not a superhero/comic book/magic powers kinda girl. i thoroughly enjoyed Dark Knight and all of it's darkness. i did not however enjoy Maggie Gyllenhal's lackluster performance. wtf?! Heath Ledger was just amazing and watching him was bittersweet. because there was some drama at the arclight, we all scored free tickets for another movie. yay! i spent the rest of my weekend relaxing @ Hermosa Beach with my gang.i seriously needed that. now i'm at work annoyed with people who give me their crap to do as if i don't have my own crap to take care of. sometimes people seriously take your niceness for granted. i'm going to start being a tad bit more stern. i need to start setting some boundaries. i find myself wanting to snap more and more each day. i need a vacation ASAP.