I've wanted to post these thoughts for a while now, I just don't know exactly how to write (or type) it all out so if it seems a tad bit all over the place or if you just don't understand it, I apologize.
Lately I've found myself struggling to just be me. There is part of me that wants to do everything the way I should. I want to be pleasant at all times, I want to learn how to ignore people that annoy me, I want to not have the urge to yell obscenities at the ridiculous drivers that populate the streets of LA every morning. I want to not flip my co-workers off under my desk when they annoy the crap out of me. I want to not have a bad attitude with my boyfriend for NO reason at all and I want to stop being so bothered by the behavior of some of my closest friends. I want to smile and say Good morning to every person I see in the morning on the way to the elevator. I wanna be able to trust everyone BUT, that's just not me.
I am very sarcastic. I often times say things I don't mean just because I'm upset. I hate losing an argument so I'll prolong any and every fight until I feel that I've won. I have a dirty mouth and I do try hard to censor it but sometimes (especially on the way to work) I will drop an F-bomb. I love all of my co-workers and they are all easy to work with but sometimes my natural reaction when being told what to do is to stick up my middle finger..even if it is under my desk. Even though my boyfriend doesn't always deserve the attitude he's a boy and I'm a girl, I have PMS once a month and he doesn't, I will one day birth children and he won't sooo, in my sick mind- he can deal with the minor attitude. I don't trust very many people and although I hate this, when someone does disappoint, I'm not as hurt as I would've been had I not expected it. My friends are my friends and I love them with all my heart but lately, I just feel like we may be drifting apart. Which is okay-it's sucks but it's okay. I'm not a morning person and I have to literally force myself to mutter a sentence if it's anytime before 9:00am.
Basically, that's me. Of course there is way more to me but those are the me's that I struggle with. Up until quite recently, I had never attempted to be a better person and although I'm very grateful that I have made the effort, sometimes I feel as though I'm putting up a front. Don't get me wrong, these are things I WANT to change, but am I taking away my personality by doing so? Is it no longer okay to be a brat some days because I'm a Christian? Am I going to hell because I called that lady who cut me off this morning a f*&$%#^ idiot? Am I a crappy friend because I'm totally at ease with walking away from certain friendships?
I'm in no way perfect, nor will I ever be. Being a Christian doesn't make me perfect nor will it ever. My religion does not define me at all but my relationship with Christ does. I shouldn't struggle to find "myself" or to be "me". The person I should struggle to be more like is Him. And trust me, it will be a struggle and just like any other challenge, I will have good days and I will have bad days -but I'm convinced that the more I struggle and the harder I try the easier it will become. Attempting to be more like Him will not help me find "myself"; I'm hoping that instead it will help me to become myself.
"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" - Proverbs 23:7
7 comments:
hmmm - i totally understand what you're saying. though i would not call myself a christian i'm really interested in learning about religions of the world and how to just...be a better person. to have less negative thoughts. to stop wishing that the lady walking slow in front of me would trip so i could laugh internally (serves her right hahaha!) so i get you. honestly, i think it depends on who's opinion you ask. some devout christians may say you do have to stop swearing and stuff like that - to me, i don't think you should ever have to give up your personality-but don't think that those things (getting angry, cursing etc) define YOU. i think that at the end of the day if you feel guilty about things then yes, maybe those are things you can work on, but at if you don't then - let it be. as long as you know know you're a good person and had the best intentions and didn't cause someone else unnecessary grief...you're on the right track to me. everyone argues, it's inevitable - we all have different opinions....
gosh - sorry for the long comment!
p.s. i just finished the book 'eat, pray, love' last night. i think you would really enjoy it as it kind of deals with some of these questions/issues...
I think what you're going through is completely normal. You, along with just about every twenty-something year old, are still in the process of growing up. You are learning what you stand for and what you are willing to "walk away" from. It doesn't make you a bad person because you internally cuss someone out or because you're OK with ending friendships slowly.
We are humans and God gave us both the gift of change and the gift of choice. We all have different temperaments because I believe that He has different temperaments - He is not a static God. He moves with us and through us, during all times. With that said, it's OK to be grumpy, bratty, or selfish sometimes.But you must keep in mind that this not WHO you are. It's a mood. It's not you. You are much more than your mood or current circumstance/situation. He sees your true heart, despite what you or anyone else may think.
non of us are perfect, but i can add from the terse read here - that u are a wise woman folk
Kay & Katelyn, how bout you guys move to california and be my bestest friends?!
torrance, you're too sweet :)
I love your honesty and frankness.
You're right - being Christian doesn't mean you know it all or are perfect.
It's hard, because others call Christians hypocrites because they aren't perfect, but we are trying. We're standing for SOMETHING.
I learned a lot about you from this post... even though it was a journey of you struggling with being you... I enjoyed it immensely...
I think we all struggle with this though... doing things different because of how the world way view us instead of being themselves... I just feel that the problem lies when comforming leads us to lose apart of ourselves and I don't think you have
Eb, that really means the world to me. That's exactly how i feel. I don't want to lose who I am and I don't want to feel that I have to be, behave or do things a certain way. I guess I'll get it with time. Thanks again girl!
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