Seriously, reading Nie Nie's blog brings me to tears sometimes. I cannot even imagine what she must feel like. I just read her most recent post and it made me think of something I heard yesterday(can't remember if it was in a song or what) "Live as if you were dead before" which is kinda similar to "live every day as if it were your last" but then it's not. Can you imagine dying and having the opportunity to come back and do it all over again, as YOU?! The thought of that is insane. Anyways, here I am rambling..on to my post...
I've been so "over" blogging lately. I have no clue why. I still enjoy reading what others but the thought of updating my own seems like such a task. Maybe it's because I'm approximately 15 weeks behind on real updates. My life has been completely transformed within the last 2 months and blogging about it hasn't been a priority. At the same time, I keep kicking myself for not posting because I'd like to some day look back on this time and reminisce..anyways.let's try this again...on to my post...
So, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and surprisingly, I did not freak out. Which is weird. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't cry or get upset or scream. I guess because I immediately knew what would and wouldn't be happening. I was going to be a mom because I definitely wasn't having an abortion. BTW, I am 100% pro-choice. I believe that every woman has the right to decide for themselves what route to take but, I myself didn't consider it.
My boyfriend is and was %100 supportive. We were both scared out of our minds and I did NOT talk about for the first two weeks. I was DEPRESSED. Actually DEPRESSED doesn't even scratch the surface. I didn't talk to any of my friends and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was ignoring calls, text messages, emails everything. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone and honestly, I could barely tolerate my boyfriend. We fought soooo much. For some strange reason, I thought the way to fix this was to break up with him...looking back on that I can't help but laugh because really, that is such an idiotic thought but seriously, that's how I felt. I just felt like everything was over. My life would be over. I'm not married, I'm not ready, this is not what I wanted. How and why would this happen. Everything in my life was sooooo perfect and then I had to go and get pregnant. And I pretty much continued to feel that way until I woke up one morning and I was bleeding. I called my doctor and informed him of what was going on. He told me to come in to his office at noon. That day at work, I was a nervous wreck. I kept thinking "omg, what if I had a miscarriage?" "Is it because I was so negative, is it because stink and I were fighting so much, is this my fault, is there something wrong with me?" I started seeing things from a different perspective. It was one thing for me to not want this baby and to feel like this was such a horrible curse but it was another thing for me to realize that there was a possibility that maybe I wouldn't even be involved in the decision making of this child's life. Maybe he/she would be taken from me and how horrible would that be? I started pleading with God. I was praying my lil' butt off. Prayers that went something like this: "Please God, don't let me have a miscarriage, I promise I will stop complaining and being ungrateful". "Dear God, I'm sorry for getting so upset over nothing, I didn't mean to hurt the baby, If you give me another chance I'll neeeeever do it again". To make a long story short, I didn't have a miscarriage. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. After hearing that lil' heart beat, I promised myself that I was gonna drop the "Why Me?" plea. Because really, having a child is a blessing. I don't care how you look at it. No this isn't the way I wanted to do it and my life will NEVER be the same but, at the end of the day His plans are far greater than mine so why fight it?
So that's the story. A long one, I know and I apologize but there was a lot to cram into one post. So it's official, I'm having a baby! ahhhhhh! I still can't believe it. Sometimes I'll be driving and it'll hit me like a ton of bricks. It's still hard to believe.
I'm 15 weeks along and I finally have a lil' baby bump. We do know the sex but I'll wait till my next post to share that info along with a picture of my baby bump :)
Have a great weekend!
xo
7 comments:
everything does happen for a reason so...be blessed but most importantly be a blessing
Congratulations, Faith! What an amazing blessing He has given you! This is all happening in His perfect timing and you are going to be a wonderful mother!
Can't wait too see pics of the little bump! :)
You're going to have a baby! You are going to be an amazing mother and I can't wait to see your baby bump.
congratulations!!!! I think everyone freaks out the first couple of weeks they find out ...that's what I hear anyway ...Yes, you are young but still, think about all of us old farts who waited too long to have kids and now are finding it difficult to get pregnant and having fertility issues ...It's a blessing. Congratulations! {I wish I were 15 weeks along right now :)}
oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!
CONGRATULATIONS! i immediately thought "would it be weird if i send a baby gift to someone i technically don't know" but i've been reading your blog since almost the beginning and you are such a lovely girl that i feel like i should be buying a gift lol!
it's natural to be freaked out i think. society has so engrained in us that things are supposed to happen in a certain order but you know what - that's not life. life throws you curveballs and you deal with it best you can. looks like you're doing just that.
congrats! everything will work out the way it should :)
im pro-choice as well & believes its up to a woman to choose as she see fits. however, if i myself were to ever get pregnant abortion is just something i cant see myself doing.
his plans are far greater than what we can ever imagine..even for ourselves. what i do know is..that he has chosen & blessed you with this special gift growing right inside of you!! how amazing is that :) youre an outstanding woman faith & im sure you be an even more outstanding mother!! i cant wait to read your prego stories & tales of motherhood :) itll come faster than you know :) wishing you a huge, hearty, & very warm CONGRATS!!
yea for the baby bump thats why i wrote A good day to die
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