I'd rather be

at the pool...with these two crazies! Hurry up weekend, i miss you!

Part Dos

Seriously, reading Nie Nie's blog brings me to tears sometimes. I cannot even imagine what she must feel like. I just read her most recent post and it made me think of something I heard yesterday(can't remember if it was in a song or what) "Live as if you were dead before" which is kinda similar to "live every day as if it were your last" but then it's not. Can you imagine dying and having the opportunity to come back and do it all over again, as YOU?! The thought of that is insane. Anyways, here I am rambling..on to my post...

I've been so "over" blogging lately. I have no clue why. I still enjoy reading what others but the thought of updating my own seems like such a task. Maybe it's because I'm approximately 15 weeks behind on real updates. My life has been completely transformed within the last 2 months and blogging about it hasn't been a priority. At the same time, I keep kicking myself for not posting because I'd like to some day look back on this time and reminisce..anyways.let's try this again...on to my post...

So, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive and surprisingly, I did not freak out. Which is weird. Looking back, I wonder why I didn't cry or get upset or scream. I guess because I immediately knew what would and wouldn't be happening. I was going to be a mom because I definitely wasn't having an abortion. BTW, I am 100% pro-choice. I believe that every woman has the right to decide for themselves what route to take but, I myself didn't consider it.

My boyfriend is and was %100 supportive. We were both scared out of our minds and I did NOT talk about for the first two weeks. I was DEPRESSED. Actually DEPRESSED doesn't even scratch the surface. I didn't talk to any of my friends and all I wanted to do was sleep. I was ignoring calls, text messages, emails everything. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone and honestly, I could barely tolerate my boyfriend. We fought soooo much. For some strange reason, I thought the way to fix this was to break up with him...looking back on that I can't help but laugh because really, that is such an idiotic thought but seriously, that's how I felt. I just felt like everything was over. My life would be over. I'm not married, I'm not ready, this is not what I wanted. How and why would this happen. Everything in my life was sooooo perfect and then I had to go and get pregnant. And I pretty much continued to feel that way until I woke up one morning and I was bleeding. I called my doctor and informed him of what was going on. He told me to come in to his office at noon. That day at work, I was a nervous wreck. I kept thinking "omg, what if I had a miscarriage?" "Is it because I was so negative, is it because stink and I were fighting so much, is this my fault, is there something wrong with me?" I started seeing things from a different perspective. It was one thing for me to not want this baby and to feel like this was such a horrible curse but it was another thing for me to realize that there was a possibility that maybe I wouldn't even be involved in the decision making of this child's life. Maybe he/she would be taken from me and how horrible would that be? I started pleading with God. I was praying my lil' butt off. Prayers that went something like this: "Please God, don't let me have a miscarriage, I promise I will stop complaining and being ungrateful". "Dear God, I'm sorry for getting so upset over nothing, I didn't mean to hurt the baby, If you give me another chance I'll neeeeever do it again". To make a long story short, I didn't have a miscarriage. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. After hearing that lil' heart beat, I promised myself that I was gonna drop the "Why Me?" plea. Because really, having a child is a blessing. I don't care how you look at it. No this isn't the way I wanted to do it and my life will NEVER be the same but, at the end of the day His plans are far greater than mine so why fight it?

So that's the story. A long one, I know and I apologize but there was a lot to cram into one post. So it's official, I'm having a baby! ahhhhhh! I still can't believe it. Sometimes I'll be driving and it'll hit me like a ton of bricks. It's still hard to believe.

I'm 15 weeks along and I finally have a lil' baby bump. We do know the sex but I'll wait till my next post to share that info along with a picture of my baby bump :)

Have a great weekend!

xo

Weekly Random

You have got to watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta. AHHHH, I love this show. I'm addicted. I love these women. I think Kim is my favorite. Actually, no I like Deshawn and I like too the one that's married to the football player and Sharee looks soooo good for her age. I think it's safe to say that I like all of them except for NeNe. She's a lil' too much and who the freak is Big Poppa?!?! ugh, the mystery of this guy is so intriguing. I NEED to go to Atlanta. I have a feeling that since I loved Houston, I'll be head over heels in love with Atlanta. Anyone wanna buy me a plane ticket?

okay moving on, so I think it's pretty obvious that I don't take my blog too seriously. I really blog for myself. Once I start taking my blog more seriously and incorporating pictures and such, I'm pretty sure that I'll turn it into a book and keep it for memories. I'd love to be able to show my future children exactly what life was like for me. What I enjoyed, what I was interested in, what my life consisted of at the age of 23. I like documenting certain stories, and feelings and current events. So I thought I think I'll document what happened to me on Saturday night. It was pretty funny & VERY cute and I'm sure one day when I'm old and gray (omgeez one day I will be old in gray!!!), it'll make me smile.

So, I think I mentioned last week that I was having a rough time with my boyfriend. We weren't even arguing about anything I was just being really bratty towards him and I couldn't quite figure out what the deal was. I slept over the night of the election because we wanted to watch it together but he ended up getting really sick so, I ended up bringing him soup and orange juice and all the other goodies you need when you're sick. We didn't really spend time together though because he was sleeping on and off and I was super into the election. This weekend we hadn't really planned on seeing eachother. I had plans on Friday and he was in a wedding on Saturday. I didn't really want to go to the wedding because we're not really good friends with them. In fact, I've never even met the bride...lol...I just realized this.Plus, I didn't know ANYONE else that was going and I didn't want to be all by myself during the wedding and then have to eat all by myself during dinner. So anyway, I figured I wouldn't see him this weekend. He called me after the wedding and I still had my stupid lil' (actually it was big) attitude. I was being really short with him and just didn't feel like talking. We hung up and I was even more upset after talking to him.

10 minutes later he texts me and tells me that his best friend's mom was going to come by and drop of some papers for him to sign at my house. Mind you, it's close to midnight at this time. It didn't seem out of the ordinary though because I was expecting to pick up the papers from his best friends mom earlier that day, I just never got around to it. He told me she was on her way home from a dinner party and would stop by. I immediately go off and tell him that I'll pick them up from her tomorrow and I proceed to tell him that he should have called me first to ask me if it was okay. He brushes me off and tells me that she's on her way and there's nothing he can do. I'm so pissed! I stay up waiting for her in my pajama's looking a HOT MESS.

20 minutes later his best friends mom calls me and says she's outside, I walk outside to let her in and who do I see standing there with the biggest smile on his face still dressed in his wedding attire with roses in hand? MY BOYFRIEND!!! I was so shocked. I hate surprises and I ruin damn near every surprise because I ask so many questions. I'm that annoying person that needs to know every single details and interrupts you in the middle of your story-telling to ask 100 questions. Anyways, he is the only person who can pull one over on me. I felt like a huge brat. He said he knew the only reason I was acting like that was because I missed him, and he was right. I did miss him. I definitely need to work on my attitude but, It makes me feel really good to know that he loves me despite all of my flaws.

So there is my funny story. I love it. I love making memories. As I grow older, I'm starting to realize that memories are what life is all about. I constantly have to remind myself to live in the moment and cherish every single moment. You never ever know what could happen and it's ridiculous to waste energy on negativity, bratty attitudes and things that really shouldn't matter.

I clearly remember a conversation my mother and I had one day while driving to school. We were listening to the radio and she turned it off and said to me "when you get married, make sure your husband loves you more than you love him". At the time I thought nothing of it, although I obviously remember her telling me this. I asked her why and she told me that if you love someone more than they love you, you're bound to get hurt. Well, I can see what she meant by that but, I honestly believe that if you love someone, regardless to how much you love that person, when/if the relationship ends, you're bound to be hurt anyway. and if you love each other and you're in love what difference does it make if one person loves the other more?


I've found myself thinking about that one sentence a lot lately. I was reading something ( I can't remember where or what it was) last week and it basically said the same thing; that women should be in relationships with men who love them more. It really got me thinking. Is it safe to say that in every relationship someone loves their partner more than their partner loves them? Does that even make sense? Don't people love differently? I'm torn. As selfish as this may sound, I like the idea of spending my life with someone that loves me more than I love them. Why? I don't know.


I know we've probably all met couples that from the outside looking in, it appears as though one person is "in" to the relationship way more than the other. This always bothers me. I always feel sorry for the person who's "in" to the relationship more. I wonder if they know that they appear to be "in" to the relationship more or if they even care. I know I personally tend to think that women have a tendency of being more "in" to relationships and I attribute it to the fact that we are women and that's just how we are. That sounds bad, but that's my way of thinking..don't judge!

But what do I know? Apparently nothing when it comes to the love department...lol.. but, I'm definitely learning. It is not always easy, it's not always fun, sometimes it hurts but it's soooooo worth it.

when words fail, music speaks

you left a mark; i wear it proudly on my chest, above my heart.to remind me that i feel the best when i'm with you.when i'm with you to me everything is effortless.you know it's true.my eyes are painted with regret and i don't need it.

all about HIM

He is so good to me (when he wants to be) sometimes i feel so undeserving. i'm wishy-washy, one minute i want this, the next minute i want that. i'm never satisfied, can never make up my mind. i criticize him for doing this and criticize him for doing that. i get frustrated with the fact that although we share the same beliefs, it's just not THAT important to him. i don't think i try enough. i'm not perfect. actually, i'm far from perfect. i'm a brat. i ALWAYS want my way. i'm difficult and sometimes I actually like being difficult (i cannot believe i just admitted that). this is probably no walk in the park for him either. he may not handle every situation the way I think he should. He may not be great at expressing his feelings. he's not the best talker and sometimes he says "whatever" at the WORSE time but, at the end of the day, i ALWAYS know that he loves me and if he could, he'd do anything for me. that feels good.so good.

all about waiting

i think within these last few days, He has made it very evident that 4 years isn't really that long. I could be wrong. Maybe I'm just instilling these thoughts in my own head. Nonetheless, it feels good. Not only does it feel good but, it sounds good. Today I am happy. Today stink made me happy. I'm torn. I don't know what the "right" thing is but seriously, I can't continue to allow the fact that I'm scared to get in the way of EVERYTHING. Yes, I'm scared but in all actuality; shouldn't 3 years in itself be comforting? We were having a very simple conversation via text messaging today and the conversation went there and he took it there and for once i felt like we were finally on the same page. I felt that maybe both of us are fighting for this. Maybe we are a team. He asked me to move in with him on Sunday after I had been gone for about an hour. I smiled because I'd love to but, inside I know that I can't. Hopefully, I'll be able to hold off for 3.5 years. I'm praying this whole "thing" is worth the wait. I kinda regret sharing with a certain someone that this blog exists because now I feel that I have to be extra careful with the information I share. There is definitely more that I'd like to say about this particular topic. Not for anyone in particular but, for myself. So one day I can look back on all this and laugh or cry or remember what I was feeling at this very moment.